The Power of Presence
5 Minutes That Matter: Why Quality Presence Outshines Quantity in Parenting
In a world of increasing connectivity and distraction, presence is a challenge. The art of focused and directed attention is becoming harder and harder. The “always on context” is pervasive and our attention span is diminishing. The good news is you can do something about it.
Quality versus Quantity
Short fully focused times with your child builds connection, trust, and is the basis of positive relationships.
These moments:
Signify to your child that they are worthy, that who they are and what they are doing, saying or being matters to you.
Share with your child a context of calm and connection
They provide a role model of self-regulation, for wellbeing, learning and life
Create consistency through CPR, Consistent Predictable Routines, making deposits into their wellbeing budget and yours.
CPR is about dependability, not rigidity—it adds ease into our day while allowing for flexibility when things change. Conversely, hours spent together with little connection or hovering over play and directing your child is neither helpful nor necessary.
Parent Child Connection: What it Looks Like and Sounds Like
Intentionally making space for quality time by decluttering your child’s day before and after school
No devices in sight - research shows that when a device is in sight our attention is fragmented
Using sand timers to help manage time if needed
Employing simple connection tools through body language: eye contact, a gentle touch, a smile, a wink
Listening with empathy
Respecting what is of concern for them
Being curious
Prompting with phrases like “tell me more” and “what else?”
Asking for their confirmation or advice – a huge sign of respect
Letting your child direct play activities
Gently bringing your mind back when it wanders, practicing self-kindness
It doesn’t have to be 5 minutes, it can be more or less, it can be a micro moment, a high five, a wink, a happy dance or a hug, no matter what it is it’s your connection moment with your child. It may not always be 1:1 because you have multiple children with competing needs. All the above can happen with more than one child, but do intentionally plan for and cherish your 1:1 time together
Transitions create an opportunity to pause and be intentional. They happen throughout the day and provide perfect moments for "habit stacking"—building a new habit by connecting it to an existing one.
Mindful Parenting
It’s not possible to be fully focussed all the time, our mind wanders, and it is supposed to. The mind has been likened to a tree of chattering monkeys. The skill is to still the chattering when you need to for full attention and presence.
There’s always a happy medium or what I call the sweet spot. In the case of quality time, it is between connection and autonomy. The “sweet spot” between, “I’m here for you and you can do it”. Always trying to send the message “I’ve got you, but you’ve got this”.
Parenting Presence Habit
The Cue – Choose a specific transition time as your trigger for presence.
Your Action – Practice 3D breathing to stimulate the Vagus Nerve, activating the relaxation response of the parasympathetic (rest and digest) nervous system for both you and your child. This creates a calm state for sustained attention and quality time together.
Reward – Enjoy the positive emotions and associated feelings from connecting with your child, the depth and quality of conversations, and the long-term relationship you develop.
Connection is especially important after disconnection. Moments like the first greeting in the morning, at the end of the school day and at bedtime. Perhaps practice your Presence Habit at these transitions.
“You can’t control the waves, but you can learn to surf” Jon Kabat-Zinn
5 minutes of presence is a big deposit into your child’s Wellbeing Budget, and into yours. It is worth so much more than hours of distracted time. It contributes to the moments and micro moments of connection that build relationships, trust, safety and security which grow and endure over a lifetime.