When we talk about separation, it implies going your separate ways—an ending. Yet separation from our child for school or kindergarten is just a matter of hours, though it can feel much longer when causing sadness or anxiety.

"There's no goodbyes, it's not a goodbye because a goodbye is a full stop, whereas this is just a comma until we meet again"

Attachment is the emotional bond between you, and your child.

This powerful connection serves essential purposes:

helps them feel safe and calm
develops greater self-awareness
builds trust
creates a sense of others and
fosters an eagerness to learn

We are all hard wired for connection. When your child senses a threat to attachment they feel unsafe. Emotions flood in and their response is fight or flight.

It’s not that your child won’t calm, it’s that they can’t yet. The feelings in their body, the emotions overwhelm, and they don’t yet have the brain development, experience and skills to manage them.

What's happening in your child's brain?

In our comprehensive video series, we explore the neuroscience behind separation anxiety, including detailed explanations of how your child's developing brain processes separation and practical techniques to support healthy emotional development.

Celebrating Uniqueness: Why Separation Affects Each Child Differently

Why is separation so hard for some children and not for others? There are so many variables like temperament and birth, context matters. Sometimes it is easier for second and subsequent children, but not always, as temperament plays a big role.

Important perspective shift: It's not a deficit; it could be a strength

From a Positive Psychology perspective let’s move from what’s wrong and focus on what might be right and strong. Many children and families struggle with separation. Rather than a personal failing perhaps

Your bond is strong

Your child might be highly empathetic and deeply feeling - qualities of a future leader
They might still be developing readiness at their own pace

PREVIEW: Strengths-Spotting Technique

This is one of the evidence-based techniques explored in our full video series.

Look for the good by asking yourself what strengths your child has. Is it kindness, leadership, teamwork, gratitude, love, friendship, perhaps perseverance, creativity or curiosity? Focus on what they have, rather than what they haven’t.

Try this: Each morning before school, name one strength you notice in your child. "I love how you're showing persistence in learning to tie your shoes" or "Your kindness to your brother shows what a caring person you are." This simple technique will stop you spiralling into what is wrong and empower you and your child.

Parent Self-Regulation: Your Foundation for Success

Seeing our children distressed is overwhelming. You might be feeling sad, like you’re not enough, embarrassed, even frustrated. Recognise and acknowledge that all feelings are valid.

Preview technique: The 3D Breathing Method

Try this self-regulation technique and deposit into your wellbeing budget by: using the 3D breathing technique.

Slow down, breathe deeply.
Breathe deeply through your nose.
Extend your exhale to twice as long as your inhale.

Instead of trying for a quick fix or to rescue, simply sit with the emotion. Your self-awareness and emotional regulation will help you remain calm when your child needs you most, whilst also role modelling the technique for your child.

Building Your Trusted Village

Develop connection as relationships of trust are at the heart of separation confidence.
Choose wisely and trust the teachers and carers as your child transitions beyond your home.
Develop partnerships so your children will trust too

You know your child better than anyone. Use your village, enlist help. It’s courageous to ask for help and others also benefit from contributing and supporting you.

Creating Effective Goodbye Routines

Good bye seems so final and formal, create a simple routine when you're dropping off or picking up:

Being on time or even arriving a little early, settling your child and then taking your leave in a calm and supportive context.
Always let them know you’re going.
Giving them something to look forward to and focus on is a gift.
Hope pulls you into the future.

Being punctual is critical for pick up. Imagine waiting all day and then the first face your child sees is you. Nothing better.

Maintaining Connection Throughout the Day

Even though you're not there physically, you can remain connected. Let’s be creative about how to maintain connection throughout the day.

Preview technique: Heart Connection

Inspired by beloved children's books like "The Kissing Hand," this technique creates a tangible reminder of your connection:

Draw a small heart on your hand and one on your child's hand
Press your hearts together before saying "see you soon"
Explain that whenever they miss you, they can touch their heart and feel your love

This heart-to-heart connection provides a visible reminder that your love remains with them all day.

Our video series explores additional connection techniques suitable for different ages and stages, including sensory approaches, transitional objects, and personalised rituals.

Understanding the Ebbs and Flow of Separation

Every child, family, context and moment is different. Separation anxiety ebbs and flows, some children begin the year or term easily and after a few weeks aren’t so settled. There are midterm slumps, and/or end of term tiredness, illness, family influences. Over time as your child’s experience and skills develop it will get easier for all.

Reach out more support if you have tried a variety of strategies and sought help from your village. Every centre and school has access to a counsellor, psychologist and support people.

YOUR Wellbeing Matters Most

You're at the heart of this. Keep depositing into your wellbeing budget so you will have more energy and be able to think of creative ways to manage the ebbs and flows of separation.

Ready for a Smoother School Transition?

Our comprehensive video series builds on these foundations with:

Specific techniques for different ages and temperaments
Downloadable handout summarising all ideas and tools

Learn More About the Complete Series →